I want a watch that understands I am middle-aged and have already done quite a lot today. I went upstairs. I carried something from one room to another. I stood up during an advert.

Unlike Apple, which seems to think what I really want from a watch is for it to listen to my conversations all day and send me a report, I want mine to improve my life.

Features should include:

• A vibration telling me to sit down because I have earned it.
• A nap alert when I have been awake for more than six hours.
• A warning when I am about to enter a pointless meeting.
• A notification saying, “You have walked far enough. You are not being chased.”
• A button that orders a tea and biscuit.
• A setting that blocks anyone using the phrase “quick call”.
• A happiness score, rather than one that makes me feel guilty about my steps.
• An emergency message to my family if I voluntarily go to the gym.

I do not want a watch that makes me fitter, healthier or more productive.

I want one that looks at my heart rate, checks the calendar and says:

“This all seems unnecessary. Go and have a lie down.”